B: TAS: The Jokes On You
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: Jumpin' Jimminy Christmas, the Joker is back and guess who he needs the help of?
1. Chapter 1

Thick clouds pass over the full moon, darkening Gotham City.  
With a gust of air Batman lands on the roof of a high rise building -- completely blacked by the night. As he stands, the moon light breaks threw, casting a long shadow of him over the building's edge.  
He presses a button on the grappling hook and it retracts into the unit; the hooks fold over the head.  
He looks around, then pulls out a small walkie-talkie, "How's it going?"  
"Boring," says Robin, sitting on the edge of a building top, "I actually debated the pros & cons of doing this or calculus."  
"And?"  
"This won ... by a narrow margin."  
Batman grins, "Well, at least you're deriving a good time. Batman out."  
Robin's voice replies as Batman lowers the walkie-talkie, "Ha ... ha..."  
Batman continues examining his city below. Just then something catches his eye; he pulls out a pair of binoculars. Lights are on in large factory windows. He scans the perimeter of the building and sees a box truck backed into one of the loading docks. The side of the big white truck reads: **Joker's Packers Moving Company -- _It's Practically A Steal!_** He removes the binoculars and looks up at the factory name: Laugh Co. Toys. He aims the grappling hook and presses the button; white smoke laces into the air as it shoots out.

… Joker pulls off a clown mask that looks happy, "It just wasn't me. Hey! Go a little slower, will ya?! Or do you need me to repeat myself?" he frowns and clenches his teeth together, looking very menacing at one of his lackeys.  
The lackey, wearing a clown mask, replies, "Sorry boss," and slows down. He heads to the truck, carrying a box.  
"There isn't enough racket; we need more racket. **_Bruno!_**" commands Joker.  
"Huh?"  
"Break something!"  
"Sure thing, Mr. Joker," the second lackey drops the box he was carrying and violently kicks it. It slides across the floor and hits a wall; sounds of broken parts rattle.  
Joker slaps his forehead and rubs it in frustration, "Not the _swag_, you nincompoop!"  
The other lackey, just out of the truck, bends over and picks up the box Bruno kicked, "I got it," he walks over to the opened box truck, the inside of which is very dark.  
"I've got it," comes a voice from inside, then takes a hold of the box.  
"Thanks," and turns around; he sees Bruno and Joker and thinks for a second, then says, "Huh?" and turns around to look into the truck.  
The white triangle eyes of Batman illuminate, "Special delivery..."  
**_WHACK!_** The lackey stumbles back down the ramp, spins about, then keels over on the conveyer line of spinning metal bars; he rolls down unconscious. Batman steps out; the amber glow of the overhead lights shin down on him.  
"Batman!" exclaims Joker.  
"Only a month out and I see you're back to clowning around."  
"Oh, pish-posh," waves his hands, "the factory had a grand re-opening; I'm just giving their security a test drive."  
"Ride's over," he approaches.  
"Now hold on!" Joker backs up, "I actually wanted you here!"  
"Riiigght..."  
"No, seriously! I need your help!" he covers his face and looks away. When nothing happens, he removes his hands and slowly turns around, "bah!" Batman is right in front of him.  
"If this is the punch line, I assure you I am not laughing."  
"I pinky swear on the grave of whatever Cub Scout it was I ran over on the way here."  
"Then why the masks?"  
"Eh, they're just hired help; no need to bring them into this."  
Batman spins 90 degrees and approaches the lackey; his cape drawn to a close. The lackey backs up, holding a box. Batman keeps getting closer until the lackey backs into a wall.  
"Don't hit me, please! I'm just hired help; a peon. Right boss?"  
"Absolutely," blurts out Joker.  
Batman reaches for the lackey's head and rips the clown mask off. When the lackey opens his eyes, a flash occurs. Batman then pockets a miniature camera.  
"Oh no -- boss, he took my photo!"  
"Blah, blah -- you knew the risk when you put the uniform on."  
"The game grows tiresome, Joker. You say you need my help, but as far as I can tell it's too load stolen merchandise."  
"Well, I couldn't very well prance around on police headquarters shinning the Batman spot light, now could I?"  
"And the truck?"  
Joker grins and intertwines his fingers, "Just a little something for my trouble in case you didn't show up."  
"You have until the count of five to say something believable, before I turn that smile upside down. One..."  
"Harley is missing!"  
"And? You abuse her both physically and emotionally; maybe she dumped you."  
"Harley and I have a routine," he puts his arms out, then draws them back in and walks about, "we fight, we make up. We fight, we make up. We fight and she leaves me. But a week later she comes back and we start the whole thing all over again. She's like clockwork; each month there are two things I know for certain she will do -- that and have her pe-"  
"There is only so long you can mistreat someone before they wake up and take charge of their lives."  
"The only thing Harley takes is other people's wallets; though _charging_ does come after that. HA HA!"  
"You've got contacts on the street."  
"Yes, and I tried them all. The only thing I haven't tried is that blasted plant lady, but I can't find her. Poison Oakey I think she called her."  
"Poison Ivy. She'll be easy enough to find. Why should I help you?"  
"I thought you might ask that and I came up with an offer, and boy is it a doozey. Get ready for it ... I will not steal a thing for a month; no looting, pillaging, plundering, or appropriation of goods that are not my own. Two whole fort nights of good, clean Joker. What do you say?"  
"Not good enough."  
"Wha??"  
"I want you to do one more thing."  
"Well, name it, man! My Harley could be in trouble. Insanity just isn't the same without another to do it with."  
"**_During that period_** I want you to bialso treat her with respect and kindness. Show her you appreciate her. No physical violence or harsh words, just love. You are capable of loving, right?"  
"We're talking emotionally, right?"  
Batman stands un-phased, looking angry.  
"Yeeesh, all right. So, what do we do now? We're not going to have to work with that Robin kid, are we? Green tights? That's a fashion faux pas even among the Irish."  
"Now you put everything back where you found it and you pay to reimburse for the damages you have caused."  
"Fine, fine. Er, ah ... you -- lackey guy," snaps a finger, "start putting the stuff back."  
"Yes, sir, boss."  
"See? I can be a team player."  
"You too..."  
"Me? Manual labor? I'm the Joker; it's what I hire lackeys for."  
Batman points; his cape opens to a side.  
Joker mumbles as he lowers his brow, "Lousy guano eatin' ... Dean Martin doesn't have to put up with this..."


	2. Chapter 2

  
Joker sits in the passenger seat of the Batmobile, handcuffed.  
"So many buttons. Probably isn't this many buttons in NASA!"  
"Santayana tried to warn me…" Batman says almost inaudibly.  
"Santa tried to what?" asks Joker.  
"We're almost there, so just sit back."  
"You always brood this often? No wonder brat boy leaves you alone."  
Batman squints his eyes in a pissed way.  
"None of these buttons are even labeled; how do you even know what you're doing?"  
"I will only say this once: touch _any_ of them and I'll show you which one is the passenger eject. And maybe have myself a chuckle."  
"Nyah … you know what they say: laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. That's why I always have a crowd. A … _captive_ audience. Ha ha, heh, **_HA HA HA HAAA!!!_**"  
His laugh reverberates as the Batmoblie ascends a large hill.  
…  
The Batmobile lies parked in a grassy area near the top of the hill on the outskirts of Gotham city.  
"Aaahhhhh…" Joker makes a motion in front, back toward Batman, "Zippin' up my do da, zippity in the hay; had a wonderful peeing – thought it would last all day.  
Of course _you_ wouldn't laugh."  
Batman finishes spreading out a large uninflated balloon, "Toilet jokes are for kindergartners," he screws on a rubber hose to an air valve on the balloon, then leans in front of the tire, "computer, inflation mode; object, weather balloon. Driver's side front."  
The center of the hub cap pops off after turning by itself and an air tube is exposed. Batman screws the other end of the hose to it.  
**_PISSSHHHHH_**youowww -- the balloon inflates fast; it trails off and finishes inflating slowly.  
"Hey Bats – stick it in your ear and pout all that hot air to good use," he does a low rumbling laugh.  
Batman programs in some commands to a computing device the size of a grapefruit. A red light flashes on & off slowly, "After you released that gas on the city I started sending up instruments to detect chemical compounds and large heat signatures, every so often."  
"Oh yeah. Even you got to admit that was one of my better ideas."  
"They were _ALL_ sick & twisted. The only reason I'm helping her is because she's not that bad a person and with a little help and counseling, could fir back into society."  
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm insane! Certifiable, Grade A straight jacket material! Men in clean white coast take me away! Say, that last line might make a good song."  
"Tell me something I don't know," he unscrews the hose from the Batmobile and puts the hub cap center piece back on; it rotates back on by itself.  
"Of course you know that – even I know that, and I vaguely recall you had something to do with that."  
Batman looks away and unscrews from the balloon, "We're almost done here."  
"The point I was trying to make was: please don't take her away from me. Sure we have out spats, our arguments, or bouts of loving insanity, and sure on occasion I got to slap her around, but even I need love from time-to-time. Girls don't exactly go for the tall, dark and crazy look. And apparently there is something _wrong_ with wearing violet all year long."  
"Once upon a time I made the offer to get you the best psychological therapists in Gotham for as long as needed. That offer still stands. You and Quinn ca make it a double date."  
"You know, Bats, I'm a lost cause. There are days I wake up and can't think of a single maniacal debacle to unleash upon the city," he puts his hands in the air and spreads his fingers like a puppeteer, "or a simple knock knock joke," pretends to knock on a door while shaking his head side-to-side while it hangs down."  
"Go at your own pace then, but when you reach a point you want to change, I'll still be here," he tosses the hose into the Batmobile, then walks over and unties the weights from the weather balloon, "Poison Ivy tends to set up shop in areas with fertilized land, then grow plants that emit toxic airborne chemicals. The radius of the gasses is limited and it dissipates before it can affect Gotham City; and the parts per million aren't strong enough. Much like your lapel flower."  
"Huhum," he sighs as he squeezes the lfower, "empty; Harley normally refills it," he looks up to see Batman dangling the cuffs in his face.  
…  
Batman jumps into the driver's seat of the Batmobile, after Joker had gotten in.  
"Now what?" asks Joker.  
"We wait."  
"What if the blasted balloon is blowing the wrong way?"  
"We'll put another up from a different location."  
"what if it misses the small area she's in?"  
"I have two other units stationary in other areas. All three will triangulate her position and narrow the search area down to a few mile diameter. I wager not too many spots in that area will have the land and water she needs for her plants."  
"Sweet captain Spock! No wonder I always get caught – I'm up against the reincarnation of Albert freakin' Einstein!"  
"And don't forget it," the roof slides shut.  
"Batman," comes Robin's voice.  
Batman picks up the walkie-talkie, "Go ahead, Robin."  
"I'm gonna turn in early, it's quiet out here. Did run into Batgirl; we're gonna hang out for a bit. How's it going on your end?"  
"Something interesting has come up."  
"Need any help?" asks Robin.  
Joker laughs and Batman catches his lips to stop it.  
"No, I'll tell you about it later. You two have fun," he smiles.  
"Always. Robin out."  
"Robin & Batgirl sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. That rockin' robin is looking for a little cross-species mating, ay?" tries to give Batman a jab with his left arm, but his cuffed hands hinder it.  
"It's going to be a long night…"  
…  
…  
Darkness forms into a pair of eyes opening with grogginess; Joker stands in view. The eyes widen.  
"Wakie, wakie, red."  
"Joker!" Ivy jumps to her feet in her long night gound and instinctively reaches for her dresser drower top before looking and her hand hits something; she jolts her head around, "Batman!"  
He stands there, unmoving.  
"So this is how it ends, huh? You stand by and let your supposed arch nemesis finish me off?"  
Joker comments, "Why is it always _'arch'_? I can't even do the splits."  
"Easy Isley, this is just a social call."  
"Well then," she sits down and reaches for a pack of matches, "I'll just light some incents and we can have out faux chat."  
"Oh, please, red! Even I'm not that _stupid!_" Joker slaps the jar of incents on the adjacent night stand to the floor.  
"We're looking for Harley Quinn," says Batman.  
"My little poppykins is missing," he moves in closer to her face, looking sad.  
She smiles devilishly, "What's a matter Batboy, did ol' Harley get the best of you?"  
"More like the other way around. So far this is looming like a possible kidnapping."  
Isley sits up with a concerned look on her face, "Harley?"  
"She hasn't called, her babies are getting depressed, my men can't find her, and she's not with you," says Joker.  
"Maybe she dumped you," says Isley.  
Joker furls his brow and frowns, "Why does everybody keep saying that?"  
"We haven't spoken for months. She's annoying as a weed in a rose patch, but I kind of like her."  
"When you last spoke did she say anything about leaving, or having an alternate place to stay?" asks Batman.  
"No, but if I hear anything, I'll have a letter sent to police headquarters."  
"Thanks. Quinn wouldn't even leave her pet hyenas when there was a nuclear bomb ticking off, so I can only imagine that trouble she is in."  
…  
…  
The hazy light from early breaking dawn pours through the metal bars on a window to a small room about the size of a walk-in closet. The lights glows on Harley's face. Tears run down it.  
The door opens and light shines in, throwing her shadow on the back wall.  
A voice speaks, "Here's your food, clown," and the person tosses a tray of food & drink on her – spilling the contents about her face and outfit.  
"_Puddin'!!!_"  
The door shuts. 


	3. Chapter 3

"I look ridiculous," says the Joker as he walks down an alley. He's dressed up in dirty, scruffed up cloths, hair dyed brown and face painted skin-tone, but his long nose and walking posture remained the same.  
Watching via a pair of binoculars from the nearby rooftop, Batman presses a button hidden on the right side of his cowl, transmitting to an earpiece in the Joker's ear, then replies, "Just act natural. Don't come on too strong and start asking questions right off the bat.  
"The batbat, ha ha! Cards!" he looks at a group of huddled men playing poker near a trash can burning garbage for light.  
"Try not to win every hand."  
"So, what? Three aces then?"  
"If things get out of control, call me."  
"Yeah, yeah; I got a poker face as stern as a Catholic nun."  
"Just remember what I told you."  
"Gentlemen!" Joker lays it on with a thick Irish accent, "top of the morning to ya. Would that be chance be _poker_ you are playing?"  
"Yeah," says one of the three guys, "you got any money?"  
"Do I!" pulls out some cash he kept on him after changing cloths.  
"Say, aren't most those Irish folk redheaded?" asks a second guy with a deeper voice and slower speech.  
"My mother had an affair with Clark Gable. What are we playing?"  
"Nothing special, Draw Poker; Joker's wild," says the head guy.  
"You're not kidding, ha ha," Joker laughs.  
"That laugh sounds awfully familiar..." says the third guy; a skinnier, squeakier voice.  
"I was a leprechaun in the last Saint Pattie's Day march."  
"Yeah, that must be it."  
The first guy deals the cards.  
"Says," says Joker, "shouldn't you all be stealing money?" as he arranges his cards.  
"Can't. Between the Batman, boy wonder and even that bat chic, we couldn't find a good moment last night. Put the fire out, will ya, Lou?"  
The third guy gets up and puts the lid on the garbage can, depriving the flame of oxygen.  
"Well, if it's so easy, why didn't you?" asks the head guy.  
"Oh, I _did_," he takes a five from his roll of money and throws it in.  
The head guy look at him and says, "That's a hell of a way to start an ante."  
"Maybe I got a hell of a hand."  
"Maybe. I see your five and raise you five."  
"You gents all seem like the kleptomaniacally inclined; any good super villains looking for gang members?"  
The second guy speaks, "I hear the Penguin needs some guys."  
Joker comments, "Eh, he's always hiring; too finicky. What about the Joker?"  
"Pft, the joker," says Lou the skinny guy, "that pasty-faced clown can't go two weeks without getting caught and it's always with the same lame laughing gas thing. Laughing people, laughing fish, laughing gas -- the guy has the originality of a single-celled ameba."  
They all laugh.  
Threw his clenched teeth Joker responds, "I hear his genius is underrated."  
"Yeah, I'm sure it's far lower than anyone imagines," ads Lou.  
They all laugh again.  
"Maybe I'll bring you all a bottle of my home made usquebaugh."  
"What's that?"asks the second guy.  
"A kind of whisky," he throws a ten into the kitty.  
"Sounds good," says Lou.  
"It's my own special blend; people just absolutely _**die**_ when they taste it."  
"What about that girl he always hangs with. Harley Quinn I think they call her."  
"Her? She's a few cards short of a full house, if you know what I mean. Plus I heard she dumped him," says Lou.  
"My friend said he saw her get picked up by a van a week or so ago. Said they didn't look too friendly," says the slow guy.  
"Really..." Joker tosses some into the pot.  
"Okay stranger -- I call," says the head guy.  
Here you go," Joker spreads out three aces, a king and a Joker.  
Two of them throw down their cards.  
"Must be that luck of the Irish," says Joker.  
"Hey..." Lou examines his cards then Joker's cards, "_I_ have an ace of spades!"  
They all stands and make fists; Joker stand too and backs up slowly.  
"You thieving, no good eejit; let's show him what we do to lousey rooks," says the head guy.  
"Now I call: Batman!" yells Joker.  
_**FHLowWOOM!**_ Batman lands onto the lead guy. The other two back up as Batman turns his head around while holding the unconscious leader by his shirt.  
Lou takes off running. Batman spins a bolas and tosses it; it oscilates threw the air and wraps around Lou's feet, sending him to the ground. Batman looks at the far guy who starts running. Joker puts his foot out just as the guy passes him and he trips, landing on his stomach. As he turns hiimself over, Joker lands atop him.  
"Now listen to me, my corpulant chum!"  
"You're ... you're the Joker!"  
"I know who I am!" and he slaps him, "I want to meet this _'friend"_ of yours. Where is he!!!"  
"I lied -- it was me. I don't like trouble."  
"You're gonna be in a whole mess of it if you don't tell me what you saw!"  
"About a week ago -- May 10th -- a few blocks that way on Williams Street."  
"That's not far from my previous hide out," Joker rubs his chin with a free hand.  
"Do you recall a specific address?" asks Batman.  
"Yeah, couple buildings up from the mom & pop store."  
"David's Food Carnival?" asks Batman.  
"That's the one."  
"Come on, let's go. And give him back his money."  
"But-" Joker attempts to argue.  
"Now!"  
"Mother must have fed ya poker chips when you were young ... here," throws the money on the chest of the fat guy.  
...  
The Batmobile hood cover slides shut fast.  
"Shouldn't we at least get his name?" asks Joker.  
"He doesn't know anymore than he told us."  
"How do you know?"  
"When you do this every night for countless years you pick that up and learn what is a waste of valuable time. That store has a couple cameras out front that watch customer cars. The people who kidnapped Harley Quinn will be on that video. Either the driver's face o the license plate number."  
"Oh..." SMACK! Joker's head hits the seat as Batman hits the accelerator.  
Trash gets kicks up in the gust.  
Rubbing his head, "You know, I didn't even think you would help me."  
"I wasn't going to. But your little _'love'_ speech a while ago showed me you were finally thinking of someone else besides yourself. Earlier I thought this was nothing more than a play to lure me into a trap where you'd double cross me. I went along because I thought you were up to something and you always make a game of it rather than spell it out, so I had to play along. But I don't think that's the case now."  
"No, no -- give me time -- I'm sure I'll come up with something," says Joker slyly.  
Batman stops the Batmobile, "We're here. computer, deactivate all manual controls."  
It clicks & beeps, "Affirmative; all manual controls deactivated. Voice signature required for reactivation."  
"I'm not coming in?"  
"I've got a reputation to protect as well," he hops out as the roof opens; it shuts fast.  
Some people are looking and commenting, a couple even point to the parallel parked Batmobile.  
Batman opens the door to go in; he holds it open for some people to walk out.  
"Thank you!" says an old lady.  
He walks in.  
"Look -- it's him," comments a shopper.  
"It's Batman," another says.  
He walks up to the clerk, "Are you in charge?"  
"I'm the store manager. Is there something wrong?"  
"I'm conducting an investigation and I need to borrow your tape from May 10th."  
"Sure thing; anything to be of help to the great Batman," he heads through a door behind him.  
Batman looks around at the people. there aren't many, but most look at each other and him whole speaking; another pretends to shop while occasionally fiddling with items. Batman feels a tug come to his cape. He looks down and sees a small black-haired little boy, looking with amazement in his eyes.  
"Batman," says the kid.  
Bruce smiles and lowers to his haunches to pat the kid on the head,"Yes, I am."  
Suddenly a mother rushes over to the kid and grabs him, "Honey, don't bother Batman, he's busy. Come on," she turns to head back to the cart, but notices her kid didn't and commands, "Terry, come along now."  
The kid waddles off as Batman smiles and stands up. A voice calls to him, "here you go, Batman. Is that all?"  
He refaces the owner, "Yes. I promise to return this as soon as possibile. Thank you," he exits the store.  
...  
Joker fiddles with the handcuffs, trying to get them off when the roof slides open and Batman hops in. The roof slides shut and Joker stops.  
Batman pushes the VHS tape into a slot inbetween the seats and it plays on the video screen. He presses a button and some white letters saying "Playback Speed" appear. He presses a button three times and the video speeds up each time. He watches as it plays, with his finger over the pause button  
"Does Quinn have any enemies; maybe someone with a grudge."  
"Well, there's all the people we robbed."  
"Aside from that. someone who stands out."  
"Catwoman."  
"Keep thinking," says Batman.  
"Oh yes, 'cause it could _never_ be your girlfriend. Other than that, I can't think of a thing."  
"There," he slams the button. In the back ground is a white van stopped with what looks like Quinn being pulled in.  
"Harley!" Joker moves in closer.  
Batman presses some buttons and a white box draws on the screen from corner-to-corner. He presses some more which move the box across the screen until it's positioned over the liscance plate, then presses another button and the words "Mag. 1x" appears. He hits a key twice and it says "Mag. 3x" and the image increases.  
"Grain. It's too grainy. There's too much grain!" shouts Joker, throwing his hands up in angry frustration.  
"Relax. Computer: clean-up magnified image."  
Slowly but surely large areas of pixels sharpen until the plate can be read.  
Joker comments, "PFE-S818. How'd you do that?"  
"Video is nothing more than a series of twenty-four pictures taken a second. The human eye can't process that many images moving in such quick succession that it creates the optical illusion of movement. What the computer did was double the number of pictures; it took the first and second and combined them, then put that inbetween the two and repeated that until it reaches twenty-four. The F.B.I. uses this technique."  
"So, now what?"  
...  
Robin and Batgirl sit stop a building ledge, chatting.  
"So, Batman has the guy on the ground and he's looking real menacing & dark and telling him he's gonna spill the beans on everything when Batman farts. Not just any kind of fart, but a loud squeaker. I almost burst out laughing. Naturally the guy hurried up and told him. Oh, and there was this time-"  
"Robin," Batman's voice sounds over his walkie-talkie.  
"Shhh," Robin says to Batgirl, "hold on, I'll tell you after I'm done," presses the sender button, "what's up?"  
"Code G."  
"Gumbi? Just kidding. What do you need?" asks Robin.  
"Ask you-know-who to run a plate for me."  
"All right. What's the number?"  
"PFE-S818."  
"Hang on to your cape for a minute."  
"Is everything all right?" asks Batgirl.  
"Yeah," he turns the walkie-talkie to a different frequency, "Code G just means he has a guest with him and doesn't want any identifiable information used," presses the button, "Hey G, Code G."  
"Oh. He thinks of everything."  
...  
Alfred stops dusting the keyboard of the computer in the Batcave and walks over to some electronic devices where a walkie-talkie is charging. He picks it up with his free hand, not putting down the feather duster, "Yes, Master Robin?"  
Smirks at Batgirl, "I love it when he calls me that," presses the sender button, "can you run the license plate number PFE-S818?"  
"Right away."  
Batgirl replies sarcastically, "_Modesty_? What's that?"  
...  
Joker twiddles his thumbs impatiently.  
"If I don't kick someone's butt soon I'm gonna go bonkers! Well ... more so."  
"Batman, the plate is registered to one Murray DeVol. Know him?"  
"I sure do. I know who has her now."  
"When I find out his name i'm gonna write it on a bullet set aside especially for him!"  
The Batmobile rounds a corner, away. 


	4. Chapter 4

  
Murray DeVol hums while in his shower. the glass is fogged up and steam rises from out the top. he reaches out with a hand and pats it around trying to find the towel on the adjacent rack. batman's hand comes into view with the towel in hand.  
"Oh," and he takes it in and closes the door to trap the heat. After a few seconds she stops moving; he wipes away a spot on the fogged glass and looks out. Batman is standing there, "AH!"  
"We need to talk. Are you decent?"  
"Ye-"  
Joker rips the doors open, "Murray, Murray, Murray -- this isn't one of those bad dreams where you're naked and the Joker is standing there waiting to kill you. No, it's just as real as it seems. He ha -- _HA HA HA!!!_"  
"You're vehicle was used in the abduction of Harley Quinn, so I'm only going to ask this once..."  
...  
...  
The doors opens and a man bends over to pick up the handcuffed Harley.  
"I'll be good, I promise! Whatever you want."  
"Boss wants to see you again."  
Harley takes baby steps through the hall, trying not to trip over the chains bounding her feet. Her mascara is dried from running down her face in tears.  
The henchman sits her down. She trembles as she hears foots steps draw near.  
"You see this?" and angry voice belches while holding out a postal letter, "returned to sender; no ... one ... at ... this ... address!!!" he whacks her on the face with each word.  
"I guess he moved. Puddin' does that sometimes when I go out; says it's _'funny"_."  
"Do I look like I'm laughing?" his face comes into view. He's white with jet black hair and a black mustache, "I can't get no ransom if I can't reach your merry squeeze."  
"Well, if you let me go, I'll go find him and-"  
"**_SHUT UP!_**" he slaps her hard across the face, you think I'm a _moron?!_" he grabs her by the front of her shirt and pulls her up, "you and the Bats little stunt cost me millions and now no one in town will do business with me!" he slaps her again.  
"No -- help!"  
"You think you can screw with Boxcars Bennett?!" he grabs her by the head prongs, "**Boom! Boom! Boom!**" he pokes her in the side of the head with the gun in his free hand, "I'll blow your fuckin' _head off!_" he rips one of the prongs off when pushing her back and pulling forward violently.  
She catches herself with her hands from hitting the floor, "_Puddin'!_" she cries out in anguish.  
"He can't hear you, clown."  
"Oh, I beg to differ."  
Benny and his two men turn around.  
Harley looks up with tears in her eyes, "_PUDDIN'!!!_" she screams in joy.  
Joker stands in the bright orange morning rays of light in the doorway, "I'm gonna drive a railroad spike threw your skull and chop you up for coal! **_YEEEAAAGH!!!_**" he runs over and leaps on Benny.  
As his men start to reach over to pull Joker off Benny, they both feel a tap on a shoulder. They turn around and see Batman.  
"Tickets, please."  
They both tremble and Batman punches them; they fall to the ground on both sides of Boxcars Benny.  
Batman then unties Harley.  
"And now..." a king of spades slips out of his sleeve into Joker's right hand, "I'm gonna show you who is king around here," he puts the razor sharp steel card to Benny's neck, "beg for me!" Joker orders in a dark, wicked tone quite unlike anything Batman had heard before from him.  
"Joker, stop!" batman commands.  
"I had to go to the bathroom on myself; rip him from end-to-end," says Harley.  
Joker smiles, "You heard the lady."  
"Kill him and I'll have no choice but to take you back to Arkham Asylum, but if you let him live, next time you're back in, he's on your turf and you can make his everyday life your delight. Think about it," he persuades in his best Joker logic.  
"You know ... that plan isn't half bad. Oh, Benny! You and I are going to have so much fun! Actually, probably just me -- oh but what a grand old time it will be," he laughs lowly, "you're going to pay for the rest of your life."  
"Love crumpet!" says Harley.  
"Harley!" he drops Benny and leaps up and away to Harley.  
"Weeeee!!!" she exclaims as they embrace.  
Benny feels his throat where the card had been, then Batman lowers down. He reaches out slowly and firmly grabs Benny by the shirt and pulls him closer with just that one hand.  
"You've made me ... _very_ unhappy, Benny ... and when I get unhappy I hit things. Your life of crime is Gotham city is over, right Benny?"  
"Yeah. Never see me again."  
"for your sake I had better not," he drops Benny, then handcuffs him. He stands and picks Benny up, moving him aside as he ties up his henchmen.  
"Come on, let's go home," says Joker as they walks out the front door into the sunrise.  
"But, what about Batman?"  
"We made a deal."  
"Arent'cha gonna double cross him?"  
"Not this time, Harley ol' girl. Not this time."  
They hold close in the morning light.  
"But maybe I'll double up next time for the one I missed. **_AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!_**" 

-THE END-


End file.
